Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
