Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
