You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
