What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fill condoms, not promises.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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