Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
