Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
