When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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