Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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