he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
