just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
