they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
