I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
