I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
