So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
