i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
