Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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