You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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