I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
