Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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