After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
