Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
