i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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