cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
