I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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