I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
