I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
