They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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