You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
