Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did i walk over a car last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
