Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
