Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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