this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
