I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
