when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
