he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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