Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
