alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
