Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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