sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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