Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
