Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
