so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
