I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
