So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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