i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
