i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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