Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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