A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
