I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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