When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
