My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
