did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
