its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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