Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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