I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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